The Topic That Has Always Captured My Interest

I don't discuss the following topic much. Nowadays, you could be ridiculed or put under a microscope the moment you talk about it. I may allude to it at times. I may mention it here and there. But, it's been a long time since I've openly discussed my thoughts on the subject. For those who know me pretty well, I have always talked about it openly. However, it has been a very. very long time since I've spoken about this particular topic in an open forum such as this. The main reason for this is because I've truly pissed a lot of people off in the past when it came to talking about this, and I made this beautiful, wonderful topic look really bad from my past behavior. Hopefully I can come clean and discuss this topic in the most straightforward, honest, and humble way I can. This is not easy for me. I can't promise it'll make everyone happy, but I feel this entry is long overdue.

The topic: Christianity. Christianity has always, without a doubt, been a huge part of who I am and has for the longest time, been a pillar in my life. More specifically, I have always been interested in how Christianity is relevant, and how it also fails to be relevant in these modern times. I have always been fascinated by Christianity and I've always been fascinated at how different people view Christianity. I believe in God. I believe in Christ. I pray everyday. I read the Bible everyday, Psalms, Proverbs, and the Book of Matthew the most often. But, it's difficult for me to discuss Christianity openly, mainly because I don't think I am a good representation of Christ or Christianity. Christ taught to love your enemies. I loathe my enemies. Christ taught us to turn the other cheek. I train people to hit first. Christ teaches to forgive seventy time seven times when your neighbor wrongs you. I may be able to forgive once, but after that...you are on your own. As crazy as it sounds, by Christ's standards (not the world's standards), I am an adulterer and a murderer.

Despite all this, I still feel immensely drawn to Christianity. I'm not sure why. It could be because of my Christian upbringing, but then again, I know a ton of people who were brought up Christian but no longer practice as adults. Personally, I think I'm drawn to Christianity not because of who I am or how I grew up, but rather, who I want to be.

When I look at Christianity, aside from my faith in it, I see a belief system that is quite possibly the most utilitarian and complete ethical and spiritual belief system I have ever seen. Christ's teachings barely discuss complicated, esoteric metaphysical concepts. Rather, his teachings are often based on everyday things: relationships with people, how to treat others, how to look after the people society usually forgets (the sick, the homeless, the hookers, the poor). He talks about faith and the power it can have on people. He talks about humility. He talks about sacrificing your own life for one's friends. He talks about honesty. These things are all concepts that most people, Christian or not, can see eye to eye on.

However, it's a shame that Christ doesn't have the best P.R. agents. As I said before, I don't think I am a good representation of him. Most of what I am seeing in Christianity today is an odd subculture of Christian music (which, for the most part, I've never been a fan of) and people with a political or social agenda. In the past, I was in prayer groups and Christian groups where they would talk about God's love and mercy one minute and the next thing you knew these same people were anything but loving and merciful (and sadly, I was one of them). These people would keep their Bibles close but would keep people far away from them out of suspicion and judgement. From my experience, I haven't really had the fondest moments being with other Christians. I can only think of a handful of times where I have met Christians that I saw eye to eye with. For the most part, I've found most Christians to be sincere people, but from my experience, they taught me to pray my problems away as opposed to solving them the way I feel God wants me to.

There is no real way to "define" how a Christian should look and appear to be, but, I think at the core, something Christ-like needs to be there. As a Christian, it isn't enough to just be "kind" and "loving". Anyone can be kind and loving, regardless of faith or lack thereof. But, to be a Christian requires one to be kind and loving as the result of God's love, especially when the Christian has every right to be anything but loving and kind. This is very difficult for me, honestly. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I'm not sure why I wrote this entry. I guess it is a way for me to recognize that my faith is still important. FMA is my whole life but without my faith in Christianity I don't think I would be half the instructor, fighter, or leader that I try to be everyday. As an FMA leader, I need to be strong, calm under pressure, and possess an ability to stay focused regardless of what challenge is in front of me. But, Christianity keeps me honest and humble. It reminds me that no matter how much skill I have, I am still human and I still make mistakes. Christianity and FMA both keep me in line, but Christianity reminds me that there is something bigger and greater than me that I need to lean on.

The Question

I am asked the same question time and time again. In fact, I ask myself this same question time and time again. This question has defined most of my decisions and my behavior the majority of my life. For some reason, I don't know the answer to it. Everyday I try to get closer to finding the answer. But, the closer I seem to get, the more the answer eludes me.

The question is, "Why are you so passionate about the Filipino martial arts?" To take the question even further..."Why have I chosen to devote so much time and energy to the Filipino martial arts? Why have I gone as far as to make this my mission in life as well as my livelihood?"

Before, I used to think I had the answer. I used to think it was about being in touch with my Filipino roots. I used to think it was about spreading the Filipino culture. I used to think it was about having fun and swinging weapons around. But, at this point, I realize none of those statements provided a true answer.

There is something deep within me, something that I cannot seem to shake. It is a yearning to constantly train and improve. It's an obsession to be able to LIVE the art, to improve my life and others' lives through the art, and to be able to make a successful living at it. I do not know why I feel this way. But, it's something that is inside my heart and soul that I can't seem to explain.

When I hold a weapon in my hand, I feel like it's SUPPOSED to be there. Like my arms and legs, it's as if it is a part of me. When most people look at a weapon, they get scared. They see a tool of destruction and violence. For me, when I see a weapon, I see a tool akin to a paintbrush, a musical instrument, or a lump of sculpting clay. It is a tool for violence, for sure, but it is also a tool to explore my creative faculties. For me, the Filipino martial arts is more than a way to combat physical threats. It's also a means of self-expression. Filipino martial arts gives me a venue where I can create and design....where all of my influences come together at an apex and my mind and soul is put to good, creative use. This training has given more than just fighting skill. It has given me way more than that. It has given me a place to grow, improve, and develop myself. Without God bringing such influences into my life, I have no idea where I'd be today.

I know it must seem odd that a 24 year old is so focused and passionate and the Filipino martial arts and is constantly training, creating different methods, and working so hard to make a successful living from it. I know that most people in their early 20s would rather spend time hanging out in bars and clubs. I know it probably makes more sense for me to just train in Filipino martial arts as a hobby. But, that isn't enough for me. For me, I put all of my focus into this art. Again, I have no idea why. It's just some intangible driving force that has consumed me to learn everything I can, train as much as I can, and help make this world better through this art.

I know God has His reasons for this. He could've made me passionate about anything: medicene, basketball, music, priesthood. But, this is what He placed within my heart. I believe He gave it to me to serve a Higher purpose. This is what I've been called to do. And, make no mistake about it: This is my calling. I am sure of it.

What's In A Name?

When I began what was going to be Bayani Warrior in 2003, I was just a college freshmen trying to find people to train with while away from home while away at school. Before, my group didn't have a name. It was just a group I formed to spread Filipino martial arts and keep my skills sharp. I never thought of actually naming the group before, and I struggled to come up with a name that described a system that I had no intention of systematizing. However, it's a system that, while led and founded by me, I still believe it doesn't BELONG to me.

People would come in to train and ask "What's the name of this style?" I told them we called it Arnis or Kali. Then they'd say, "What's the name of the style? Like, if I were to tell people about it, what's the name?" I never really thought about it to be honest. Some people suggested I call it Pana Kali-Arnis, and I tried calling it that for a month, but I felt it was too pretentious for me to do that. I was just a kid in college and I never had to use this stuff to kill anyone, so I didn't think it was right to name the system after myself. Also, no one else in my family seems to know this art as far as I know, so to name a system after my whole family would also be a misnomer.

One summer before my junior year, I went to the Philippines with a group of Americans to do volunteer work one summer in Baguio, the other Americans and I were referred to as "Bayani". We didn't know what the word meant. All I knew was that all the natives kept referring us as "Bayani" and it was one of the only Tagalog words I heard that even white Americans could pronounce properly. Eventually, I would come to the understanding that the word Bayani means "hero", someone who serves and puts the needs of the innocent above themselves. I liked the word. I liked it a lot. When I got back to attend college in the Fall, I decided to call the FMA group I led the "Bayani" group, but it seemed to lack something. I then added the word "Warrior" to the group because being a warrior was something I aspired to be my whole life. I feel that most of us have the potential to be a "Bayani". We all have an aspect of our personality which enables us to sacrifice and help others. But, to be a true warrior takes a LOT of work. The Bayani, I felt, was already within me...but the Warrior side was something I wanted to work up to.

Some people actually objected to it. One person said, "You should call it Pana Fighting Systems." Another said, "Why don't you just stick to Pana Kali-Arnis?"

The reason why I chose Bayani Warrior as the group's name is not just because it names our ideals. I call this group Bayani Warrior because, as strange as it may sound, this art...this "system"...it is NOT mine. It's not mine, much in the same way that my heritage is not mine. This art, while it's directed and led by me, really belongs to guys like my great-grandfather (my grandmother's father), who was a village leader during his time and had bolos, kampilans, clubs, and even .45 caliber pistols either on his person or nearby, always at the ready. He used to be the guy to go to for training, or if you wanted to challenge a man to a duel, you had to get his permission first. This art belongs to my great-grandfather Exequiel Castillo, who once challenged the former president of the Philippines, Jose Laurel, to a duel during their teens in Batangas (took a club and hit the former president in the skull, knocked him down, and walked away...and got stabbed when he wasn't looking). This art belongs to guys like my grandfather (my father's father), who served in World War II as a guerrilla and his Jungle Bolo is still around to this day. The art has gotten lost in my family line somewhere in the last two generations, but there is something in me calling me to bring it back in some way.

Above all else, this art belongs to God, and the instructors He has placed in my way to guide me and train me (Tuhon Carl Atienza being the biggest influence to date).

I can never call Bayani Warrior MINE in the pure sense of the term. Yes, I did put the system together. Yes, I am the guiding force behind it. But, I will not say it is mine. To say it is mine is to assume that I never had any instructors who trained me. To say it is mine is to assume that I came up with all of this all by myself without anyone's help. To do so would, in my eyes, be disrespectful. Bayani Warrior is the term that I use to describe not only our group's ideals, but also the Warriors in my bloodline and the instructors in my life who trained me and guided me.

These men and women are my heroes, but they are also warriors.

They are what it means to be a Bayani Warrior.