2:18

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I am beginning to realize that this will be the first time in six years that I will be celebrating Valentine’s Day alone. I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about this time of the year and what it means to me. While I know Valentine’s Day means a lot of things to a lot of different people, I prefer to view it as a reminder. It’s a reminder of something that has always been in my heart and will never fade away. Honestly, I'm quite reluctant to reveal what I am about to say in this entry to the world. I don't usually speak this way publically. This is a side of myself that I don't usually put out there for people to see. But, I feel that somewhere out there is a person who may find some help in this entry. So, here goes...

I remember that as a child, I was wondering when the day would come that I would get my turn to find someone special to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. I remember praying every night that I’d just have the chance to be with someone. I know I will probably lose Man-Points for admitting this, but from the time I was in kindergarten, I wanted to fall in love and find someone to spend my life with. I’m not sure where I got that idea, but I can remember having that feeling for as long as I can remember. I remember even going to my mother in Kindergarten and telling her how much I liked this one girl and how devastated I would be if she didn’t like me back.

Despite having the love-bug at an early age, I need to admit that I was a late bloomer to the love and dating world. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 18. I didn’t hold a girl’s hand until I was 18. I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 18. As you can probably assume, this was all done with the same girl. I was with this girl for over half of a decade and for that period of time, everyone we knew could swear we would be together forever. But recently, things didn’t pan out that way. I won’t go into specifics about my situation. All I am willing to say is that when that relationship ended, I experienced an intense amount of hopelessness, loss, and devastation. Of course, when a relationship dies, any normal human being feels devastated, lost, confused, and alone. Next to someone you love dying, I feel it’s the most painful experience one can undergo, and those I have spoken to who have both lost someone they loved, whether it was from their death or the death of a relationship, have told me they feel essentially the same way. In these past few months, I have been blessed with so many opportunities. I have new friends, and a new life. I am in a very happy place in my life right now, and I can look back on these past few months without any regrets. I know that there are many people out there who may look at my situation and say that I should have every reason to be cynical, upset, and depressed about this time of year, with it being Valentine's Day and all. But, I’m not, and I won’t be.

Aside from the excruciating emotional pain, I think one of the biggest obstacles anyone who has gone through a breakup is the intense sense of uncertainty and doubt that they will ever find anyone again. These past few months, I had to ask myself whether or not I’d ever find someone else…if that true soul-mate is really out there for me…or if I was just being delusional and naïve about the nature of life. I wondered if, with the high divorce rate in our country and experiencing what I experienced, I questioned if love even existed or if we are truly meant to be with someone. But after much thought and deliberation, I am here to testify that it does, or at the very least, true love must exist.

As I write this, I am reminded of the Biblical story in Genesis where God creates the first man, Adam. Regardless of your beliefs, I feel that the whole concept of God creating a man, and then making a woman simply for that man, is a beautiful image to hold onto. In the story, God creates the earth, and all the things within it. He makes majestic oceans, mountains, and He also creates these amazing animals that roam the earth. Then out of nowhere, God just thinks, “Hmmm, I should make the first dude.” So, from soil and dust, God does just that. After six straight days (or if you’re a non-fundamentalist like myself, several eons), it would be understandable for God to chill out, take a break, and leave it at that. But in Genesis 2: 18, it says something very profound: “The LORD God said, ‘It isn't good for the man to live alone. I need to make a suitable partner for him.’”.

So, let’s get this straight: According to the story, God makes the Earth, the Heavens, the mountains, the oceans, the animals, and the first human. He could’ve easily stopped right there. After all, it took a lot of work to create all those things. But for some reason, He doesn’t stop there. Instead, he makes sure to give the man a female companion. What I am getting from this is that God, if one is to believe in him, didn’t design us as human beings to ride solo (sorry Jason Derulo). He has created a person just for us who is essentially a part of who we are and who we have been the whole time. For me, I believe that woman is still out there somewhere.

Now, I know there may be people reading this who may be cynical. Perhaps they’ve gotten their heart broken time and time again. Perhaps they had parents who divorced and as a result, are doubtful that love and marriage can succeed. If there’s one thing I’ve realized this year, is that we all have the power to make decisions. I can choose to look at the statistics, at failed marriages, and even at my own situation this past year and be cynical about the nature of love…or, I can take control of my own thoughts and feelings and press forward towards finding the woman who will be my wife someday.

I've met many individuals in my life who believe that by relying on faith or by waiting around, that their soul mate will fall out of nowhere and land in front of them. For me, even as a Believer, I refuse to simply wait around and pray my future wife shows up. That isn’t productive, practical, or realistic. In the Bible, Jesus Himself told us “…seek and you shall find.” In order for me to find that woman, I need to actively seek her out. I think the toughest part of all this is A) Wondering where to start looking and B) Hoping it won’t take that long to find her…but it doesn’t mean I will simply pray and wait. I'll keep seeking, and I know that eventually, I will find her.

I have grown up a lot this past year and I have also changed a great deal. I want to make sure that I am spiritually, physically, and financially strong to make her and myself happy once I find her. So, as of this moment, I no longer consider myself single. I don’t even consider myself as “Looking for a Relationship.” Personally, I consider myself “in-training”…in training to prepare myself to be the best man I can be physically, spiritually, and financially.

Let’s just hope I don’t have to be in training for that long… ;)