Perfectly Imperfect
When I was a kid, I used to firmly believe that life fit in a neat little box...that if I acted a certain way and behaved a certain way then I'd be perfect an have a perfect life. As a kid, I saw things in either black or white with no gray area in between. At 23 years old, I realize that things aren't so simple, and that sometimes, the gray area is all you have.
Growing up in school, I was known as the "nice guy" who was completely selfless and never got in trouble. I treated everyone, even those who treated me like crap...very well. I did so not as a means of actually respecting them...I did so basically to fit in. In addition to this behavior, I tried to learn different skill sets and activities to be well-rounded: academics, fitness, music, martial arts, and religious activities. I felt that if I could do all these things, then I'd be respected by others and be regarded as a Renaissance man of sorts. As a kid, I thought doing all these things would make me "perfect" in a sense, and as such, my life would be perfected.
I've gone through some really fucked up times these past 3 years. Despite my loyalty, people I thought I could trust did everything they could to betray me in the most heinous of ways. I've been double-crossed far too many times. I used to be bitter and full of contempt. However, now, I see things a bit clearer.
I think in some sense, all of us try to live a perfect life. Many of us go to school and work hard so we can have a great job in order to get a nice house, a significant other, and kids. We want to have a comfortable life free of worry. When messed up things happen, we tend to get emotional about things, which is perfectly normal.
However, I've come to realize that although it's been said time and time again...we really aren't perfect. Neither is life. Life is filled with a whole plethora of pain, mistakes, stupidity, and sometimes, pure vehemence and cruelty with people to match. The more I think about it, as much as it sucks...this is exactly what life is supposed to be: IMPERFECT. Imperfection is ubiquitous to life's moments. Instead of fighting this imperfection, as I have done for so long, I realize that I need to embrace it...accept it...swim in it...dance in it for all it's worth. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it does help me approach life more open and objectively as opposed to angry and emotionally, which I must admit, I have been for quite some time.
It truly does pay to count one's blessings. It's easy to look at the bullshit life deals us, but there is a lot of good in it too. For each person I lost due to disloyalty or betrayal, I can think of 2 people who take their place who are loving, kind, and truly loyal...loyalty that has been tested so I can believe in it. Despite the pain I may feel inside, I have a girlfriend of 5 years who is my best friend, who has seen me through everything life has thrown at me: pain, fear, unemployment, anger, sadness, rage. I have parents who have never laid a hand on me out of anger or disciplinary action (a rarity in the Filipino community), yet they taught me and my siblings what respect, discipline, order, loyalty, and hard-work were all about. I have a crew of students and training partners who are truly loyal to me. Despite my tough training style and payment fees, they still train with me even though they are totally aware they could easily go to someone else for a cheaper rate. I have maybe 3 friends who I truly trust with my heart and well-being, and while it's not a big group, I know it's the group I can count on.
I believe in justice. I believe people will get what they deserve. However, I also realize this is a matter of time, and as it is with time...patience is required.
I believe that my enemies should fear me not simply due to my skills, attitude, or demeanor. I believe they should fear me for the fact that I have a support system they will never have. A support system that stands by me and will not hesitate to (literally and figuratively) fight by my side if necessary. A wise man once told me that in life, battles are not always fought with the gun or blade. Oftentimes, the life's imperfection grants us battles that take place within the battlefield of the heart and mind.
I know for a fact that I do not go through life's battles alone.
That, in itself, is my true weapon.
Growing up in school, I was known as the "nice guy" who was completely selfless and never got in trouble. I treated everyone, even those who treated me like crap...very well. I did so not as a means of actually respecting them...I did so basically to fit in. In addition to this behavior, I tried to learn different skill sets and activities to be well-rounded: academics, fitness, music, martial arts, and religious activities. I felt that if I could do all these things, then I'd be respected by others and be regarded as a Renaissance man of sorts. As a kid, I thought doing all these things would make me "perfect" in a sense, and as such, my life would be perfected.
I've gone through some really fucked up times these past 3 years. Despite my loyalty, people I thought I could trust did everything they could to betray me in the most heinous of ways. I've been double-crossed far too many times. I used to be bitter and full of contempt. However, now, I see things a bit clearer.
I think in some sense, all of us try to live a perfect life. Many of us go to school and work hard so we can have a great job in order to get a nice house, a significant other, and kids. We want to have a comfortable life free of worry. When messed up things happen, we tend to get emotional about things, which is perfectly normal.
However, I've come to realize that although it's been said time and time again...we really aren't perfect. Neither is life. Life is filled with a whole plethora of pain, mistakes, stupidity, and sometimes, pure vehemence and cruelty with people to match. The more I think about it, as much as it sucks...this is exactly what life is supposed to be: IMPERFECT. Imperfection is ubiquitous to life's moments. Instead of fighting this imperfection, as I have done for so long, I realize that I need to embrace it...accept it...swim in it...dance in it for all it's worth. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it does help me approach life more open and objectively as opposed to angry and emotionally, which I must admit, I have been for quite some time.
It truly does pay to count one's blessings. It's easy to look at the bullshit life deals us, but there is a lot of good in it too. For each person I lost due to disloyalty or betrayal, I can think of 2 people who take their place who are loving, kind, and truly loyal...loyalty that has been tested so I can believe in it. Despite the pain I may feel inside, I have a girlfriend of 5 years who is my best friend, who has seen me through everything life has thrown at me: pain, fear, unemployment, anger, sadness, rage. I have parents who have never laid a hand on me out of anger or disciplinary action (a rarity in the Filipino community), yet they taught me and my siblings what respect, discipline, order, loyalty, and hard-work were all about. I have a crew of students and training partners who are truly loyal to me. Despite my tough training style and payment fees, they still train with me even though they are totally aware they could easily go to someone else for a cheaper rate. I have maybe 3 friends who I truly trust with my heart and well-being, and while it's not a big group, I know it's the group I can count on.
I believe in justice. I believe people will get what they deserve. However, I also realize this is a matter of time, and as it is with time...patience is required.
I believe that my enemies should fear me not simply due to my skills, attitude, or demeanor. I believe they should fear me for the fact that I have a support system they will never have. A support system that stands by me and will not hesitate to (literally and figuratively) fight by my side if necessary. A wise man once told me that in life, battles are not always fought with the gun or blade. Oftentimes, the life's imperfection grants us battles that take place within the battlefield of the heart and mind.
I know for a fact that I do not go through life's battles alone.
That, in itself, is my true weapon.
posted by Mike Pana at
9:05 PM
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